There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper. The little girl says, "What's under there?" So the man answers, "A bird." The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?" The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl." So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man. She answers, " I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs. Don't forget to forward this message to your friends and make them laugh;
the Middle Wife story - funny way to interprete delivery process ^_^
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous second grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. 'She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.' Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)'
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop!
My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there. 'Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs.. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.He tripped and fell on the ground.He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed and then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen." atheist - is a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings.
The Cowboy! A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman..
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M. A
nd he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed. At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
This has been voted Women's Favourite E-mail of the Year!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'How r u'."
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said 'Who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)
Mr.Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha.....
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room!!!!!!
Please look at the top left corner of the pic, the BIG X....
This is the close-up.... What is so interesting about this?? Every set of this documents were stapled two times like the "X" you had seen in the pic... All given by a "swee ah niang" from a nearby company...
Dear friends Take note...don't always sleep late!!
Good rest and sound sleep is very Important... if u don't sleep well,The toxic in your body will accumulate.. Affecting your health and your mood...
The main causes of liver damage are:
1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are the main cause.
2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming overly done foods also add to the burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store.
We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our body to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.'
Because: Evening at 9 - 11pm : is the time for eliminating unnecessary/ toxic chemicals (de-toxification) from the antibody system (lymph nodes). This time dura tion should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If during this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed state such as washing the dishes or monitoring children doing their homework, this will have a negative impact on her health.
Evening at 11pm - 1am : The de-toxification process in the liver, and ideally should be done in a deep sleep state.
Early morning 1 - 3am : de-toxification process in the gall, also ideally done in a deep sleep state.
Early morning 3 - 5am : de-toxification in the lungs. Therefore there will sometimes be a severe cough for cough sufferers during this time. Since the de-toxification process had reached the respiratory tract, there is no need to take cough medicine so as not to interfere with toxin removal process.
Morning 5 - 7am : de-toxification in the colon, you should empty your bowel.
Morning 7 - 9am : Absorption of nutrients in the small intestine, you should be having breakfast at this time. Breakfast should be earlier, before 6:30am, for those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30am is very beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who always skip breakfast, they should change their habits, and it is still better to eat breakfast late until 9 -10am rather than no meal at all. Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt the process of removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside from that, midnight to 4am is the time when the bone marrow produces blood. Therefore, have a good sleep and don't sleep late.
Below are some questions from a friend who has doubts on the above mail. Anyone has answer for them???
So,it is the magical time of 9 pm - 5 am that detoxification takes place.
Questions : 1) If one travel extensively & hence subject himself under different time zones, then the detox process will follow the existing time in that time zone or his biological clock ?
2) Is it highly not reccommended to have sex (gentle or moderate or violent) during that magical time ? Will it cause severe damage to internal organs gradually ? Will such sexual habits cause the penis lenght to increase or reduce ?
Hope you can enlighten me .
P/S : I hope you can provide me with the answers as I have been occasionally humping during the magical time. Your quick responses will be appreciated greatly as I might have to change my habit ie change the timing or doing it during the magical time more frequently for a clean bill of health.
Something weird happened during lunch today... Sel, Peter and I went to cute chicken for lunch... We started eating our food when suddenly an old lady in a bright pick shirt, a straw hat and dark tinted glasses approached us.
"Can i have 20 cents, please?"
Since i have coins, i took out 50 cents and gave it to her... She looked very happy and was telling Peter...
"Dun anyhow argue ah... You so kind, sure will have a son..."
Then she started moving to the next table... After asking two other tables, she walked back to us... This time speaking to Selena.
"Can i have 20 cents, please?"
I said, "Aunty, I had oredi given you 50 cents."
"Dun bluff me ah... You really given me meh??"
"Yes, aunty... We had given you..."
"Oh, really? Thank you. Thank you..." And she move on to the next table.
Again after going to the same two tables, she walked back to us...
"Can i have 20 cents, please? Guai guai lah..give me 20 cents"
I said, "Aunty, I had oredi given you 50 cents."
"Oh, really? Thank you. Thank you..."
Peter said:"U also guai guai la.. give us $1, we give you another 50 cents lah"
This repeated for five times before she start walking farther away to try out her luck at other tables...
We happen to finish our lunch and we hurried off...
This is the close-up....
What is so interesting about this?? Every set of this documents were stapled two times like the "X" you had seen in the pic... All given by a "swee ah niang" from a nearby company...
