Thursday, November 12, 2009
Quoted from : http://www.jesuit.org.sg/html/prayer/homilies/2009.yearb.27ordsun.php
" Married Commitment – Life Time? How? " - 4 Oct 2009
The topic of “divorce” in today’s Gospel is one of the most complex and difficult topics to manage, let alone preach about in a short homily. Jesus in today’s Gospel asserts very clearly that marriage cannot be dissolved. He says, “from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. They are no longer two, but one. So then, what God has united, man must not divide.” It is because of this that couples come to Church and get married publicly and in front of witnesses, promise to love each other for better or for worse, in poverty or in riches, in health and in sickness, in good times and in bad, all the days of their lives, until death do us part.”
When couples enter into marriage they desire to attain the personal happiness and the ideal state of fulfillment in their lives. However, while there are many happy and fulfilling marriages, we also cannot deny that divorce rates in Singapore and all round the world continue to show a constant increase at alarming rates. What is happening to marriages? How can we possibly speak of marriages with genuine hopes? How can we understand marriages as a vocation and a calling from God to live and bring up a family in today’s world?
My brothers and sisters in Christ, you and I know that when we speak of marriage and divorce, we have to tread carefully because it is one of the most sensitive and complex topics in life. When there are strains in married relationships as in any committed relationships, we cannot speak of simplistic and straightforward solutions. While we believe that Jesus wants married couples to keep their married commitment for life, we cannot pretend that just because we believe in Christ, we will no longer have any problems and pains in our marriage.
A few days ago, I presided at a private Mass of a couple who celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary. It was a very beautiful private celebration of just immediate family and a few close friends in the La Storta room of our Church. There was no pomp and publicity in the celebration. However, to me, the simplicity and the solemnity of the spiritual celebration was very symbolic of the fifty years of the married couple’s commitment to each other and to God. They told me, “Father, while we went through a lot of struggles and sacrifices together, we did not feel that our fifty years of married life was long at all. God was always at the centre of our marriage. He was always the source of our strength and our real hope in times of our trials and tribulations. We just want to renew our marriage vows and thank God for all the blessings that He has given us all these years of our lives."
It was truly such a great joy to see how this beautiful couple, in their old age was able to continue to love each other and to experience the peace of God’s blessings together with their children. To me, this golden wedding anniversary celebration captured very profoundly the meaning and essence of what a married vocation is about.
In contrast, when we speak to a divorce person about their marriage, we hear of the deep pain without peace; we hear of the fears of coming home to an empty house and the agony of the loneliness of daily living; and very often we hear of the misery of their own children suffering divorces in their own marriages. All these pain are not meant to be such by God when He created man and woman.
In God’s mind, as we hear in the book of Genesis in today’s first reading, God said, “It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helpmate that man will call ‘bone from my bones and flesh of my flesh!’ And that is why a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife, and they become one body.” It is from the time of creation that God intended that man and woman live no longer as separate-divorced persons, but as one single united couple in marriage, and together with their children they bless God as a family who knows how to put Him at the centre of their lives.
Perhaps, one of the most difficult challenges in marriage is the unrealistic expectation of our spouses. The sooner married couples realise that there is no such thing as a perfect person and thus, no such thing as a perfect husband or wife, the more realistic their marriage would be. Your spouse may love youvery much, but we must remember that even as they love you, they too have weaknesses and imperfections, and they will inevitably cause you pain and hurt you every now and then. We often live in contradictory ways; we ourselves have weaknesses, yet we have the tendency to impose our unrealistic expectations on others.
If we want any relationships to grow, we also have to be learn to look at the good qualities of our spouse and then learn to appreciate and affirm them as often as we can. It is when we have such positive attitudes that we will nurture the marriage instead of stressing and tearing the relationship through our negative and fault finding remarks and ways.
When a marriage breaks down through infidelity, financial, spousal violence, or what is often called “irreconcilable differences” it is rarely caused solely by one of the spouse. In all probability, even as one spouse may be more culpable and unfaithful to the married commitment, very often both spouses have contributed to the breakup. The voices of the secular world are too loud and too constant; driving us to become individualistic in our approach to resolving relationships and conflicts and making us pessimistic in our outlook on others. So, when there are problems in relationships, these secular world values push us to assert and fight for our rights. And when this happens constantly, the marriage undergoes stain and eventually suffers a breakdown.
What has happened to the Gospel values of forgiveness, compassion, humility and sacrificial love for the sake and good of the other person whom we have pledged to love for live at the time of the married commitment? Unless, we are constantly reminded and unless we renew our commitment to love God and live in His ways, and unless we strive to be more Christ-like in our daily attitudes, our hopes of living a life-time commitment will always remind fragile and vulnerable and uncertain.
But, if God is the centre of our married commitment, then we will be able to draw strength and experience real hopes in our life-time commitments to each other in marriage.
I know of a case of how a spouse Jane (not her real name) fought so hard to keep her marriage even though her husband was constantly unfaithful to her. She was able to find strength in God and forgive as often as Christ said, “seventy seven times seven times”; all the time. She believed in her strong conviction that one day, her husband will change. All she did was to pray fervently and trust that God would give her the strength to persevere in her vocation and the grace of her unfaithful husband to experience a conversion of heart. After many years, happily God answered Jane’s prayers and her husband changed his unfaithful ways.
My sisters and brothers in Christ, let me sum up and conclude by saying that, if our married vocation is to remain intact, we must first learn to put God at the centre of the married commitment. It is only when God takes first place in the married commitment that we will become more willing to be challenged to face each conflict and painful situation with the humility and willingness to forgive the other person in Christ-like ways.
We all need to develop a greater self-awareness of how we ourselves are loving or failing to love God and His people, including our spouse, God would want us to. Without such greater self-awareness we will often fall into the tendency of blaming and accusing others for strains in relationships that we ourselves have contributed, but not willing to admit. When this happens, God’s forgiving Spirit cannot work through us. Instead, of sowing discord through blame, we are challenged by Christ to seek unity through love, instead of giving up because of our pains in marriages, we are challenged by Christ to persevere with a forgiving love, and instead of cutting off our spouse through asserting our rights, we are challenged by Christ to reach out to the hurting spouse with the peace that Christ offers us in the Good News of salvation.
With God’s graces, Jane and the married couple who recently celebrated their golden wedding anniversary were able to live their married vocation amidst the trials and tribulations they encountered. And if you were to ask them how they were able to do it, they will tell you, we have no secret formula except to live in the ways of Christ. And this would be: do not fear challenges; face the truth of our own imperfections and weaknesses, learn to forgive and be humble like Christ and finally, trust that God will never want us to break up in our marriages as God created marriages to last for all eternity, for “what God has united, let no man divide.”
Fr Philip Heng, S.J.
Labels: Marriage, Religion
Y7:42 AM
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Havent been blogging for few days... got some happy news and bad news to share...
Bad things first...
got a fren's(Ravi) brother passed away suddenly due to heart attack on Friday nite... We went to his wake today before he was sent for cremation... before tat, i call Viki for help.. this is first indian wake we are going so we dunno if they collect "bai jin" or not... Consulted Viki & Gopal that normally they will buy flowers(chrysanthemun) or put money in white envelope... but when we reached there, seems like no one brought flowers or gv contribution.. so eventually we only passed the flowers to be placed in front of the casket... he passed on at Only age 41, leaving his wife alone.. His wife was crying non stop and wasnt drinking at all these two days.... haiz... life is so fragile...
okok.. tok abt happy things now...
Today 20092009 is 2 frens' ROM ceremony... I wish them happy & blissful marriage..
the more exciting thing is...................................................................................
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My honey is PREGNANT again... She is going to have a boy.... Her first child is a little girl name Sherie...
When i heard the news i feel so so so happy for her... going to meet her on wednesday after her checkup... woohoo...
Dear Lord, Thank you very much for all the happy news... Please continue to bless all my pregnant frens with a smooth delivery and happy, healthy babies... Bless everyone whom are tying the knots with blissful marriage... Bless those whom had lost their lost ones continue to live their lives... Help them to get over their grief in their own ways... I ask these through Christ our Lord, Amen...
Labels: Marriage, pregnancy
Y11:34 PM
Monday, August 4, 2008
1. Get married after about two years of courtship
Couples who rush to the altar, as well as couples who drag their feet to the altar, have an increased risk for divorce. "The couples who are slowest to marry tend to be the quickest to split," according to Ted Huston, Ph.D.
Researchers say that if a couple's courtship is average in length -- around two years, four months -- there is less chance of divorce.2. Rethink living together
Living together before marriage is more popular than ever and it stands to reason that you might want to take someone for a "test drive" around your living space before you commit to marriage. However, research doesn't support this. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.
3. Wait until you are a little older to marry
Statistics show that if you marry after age 25, your marriage will have a much better chance.
4. Talk about the big issues before you get married
How many kids do you both want? How will you handle your finances? It's important to clarify these questions before the honeymoon. Premarital education or counseling can help with this. Studies show that those who go through this process have higher levels of marital satisfaction and more commitment to their spouses.
5. You can argue, just don't let it turn into World War III
Arguing is a natural part of a relationship and in and of itself does not predict divorce. However, the way you argue does. Researchers Gottman and Levenson say they can predict divorce by watching how negative a couple gets with each other, as well as how many constructive, positive interactions they have during an argument. Things to avoid when arguing: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Learn to tone down heated arguments with humor and a few kind words.
6. Do stuff together
Yes, you both need to have your own individual interests. However, if you take this too far you may start to lead separate lives and grow apart, like if he spends every Saturday golfing and she spends every Saturday swimming. Learn to reconnect by taking part in a hobby or activity that you both enjoy. Also important: Take time for intimacy even when it seems like you don't have a minute to spare. Forms of intimacy like massage and cuddling are wonderful ways to bring you closer together.
7. Share the chores
If one person does the majority of the housework while the other slacks off, that's a recipe for divorce.
8. Be as polite to each other as you are to strangers
Sometimes we treat the people we love most with the least amount of respect without even realizing it. Ask yourself, "Do I treat friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers nicer than I do my significant other?"
9. Have issues? Get help!
Is one of you suffering from depression? Does one of you have substance abuse issues? Has one of you cheated? If you don't address these types of issues individually as well as a couple, you dramatically increase your divorce risk. Take steps to decrease your divorce risk now by addressing these issues through counseling and other means!
10. Marry someone who wants to be married
It seems obvious, but it's really not, since so many people ignore it. If you have to beg, cajole, manipulate, and hurl ultimatums at someone before they will agree to marry you, common sense says they probably don't want to be married. If you think something is going to change when you get that ring on their finger, you're wrong. Don't set yourself up for failure. Find somebody who wants the same things you want!
Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say "please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging. Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say "please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging.
Labels: Marriage
Y9:26 PM
